Quotes about me
The Internet, of course, is more than a place to find pictures of people
having sex with dogs.
-- Time magazine, June 1995
Can o' Beans imagined it an infraction of taste, if not of grammar
declaring, "You should never trust anyone who uses 'party' as a verb." He/she
felt appropriately chastised, however, when Dirty Sock growled and shot back
"Uh-huh, and don't trust anybody who'd rather be grammatically correct than
have a good time."
"Touche," said the bean can. "Although in the age that is to come, the
two needn't be mutually exclusive."
-Tom Robbins, _Skinny Legs and All_
"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood.
But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop
-- Dana Gould
"Maybe you'll spend an afternoon on the bike or a few days climbing a
granite wall. Or it might be a 14-hour work day. Under these conditions
your mind as well as your body require extra carbohydrates to sustain a peak
level of performance"
- Cliff Bar package ("The Natural Endurance Bar").
Seemed quotable when I had a Cliff Bar for dinner at 10 pm after being at the
CIT since 10:30 am.
Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than
"Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial
10. Just My Imagination
9. I'm Going Down
8. Let It Bleed
7. Gimme Shelter
4. Play With Fire
3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction
2. You Can't Always Get What you Want
... and the number one.. one.. one..
1. 19th Nervous Breakdown
or "Sympathy for the Devil"
"Pastrami is kosher if you get it in a kosher deli" - njg
"If [Kevin] Smith [who made Clerks for $27,575] were given, say, the $100
million that True Lies is reputed to have cost, he could make 3,626
-Richard Corliss, Time Magazine, September 12, 1994
"What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who
always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a barn?"
- Tom Galloway
Credit to Molly Ivins:
"I never thought much of Pat Buchanan until I heard one of his speeches
in the original German".
Help-wanted classified ad seen in the York, PA Daily Record:
"Attention: Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean
boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad."
firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark H. Anbinder)
"I have found the secret to life and it is ZUG!" I yelled to people in a thick
Southern drawl. "But God's gonna call me up in a big fiery chariot if I
don't get 30,000 hits on my web page by the end of the month!"
to the security guards: ""Does it make you kind of mad that you have to
reason with me while I'm wearing this enormous balloon hat?"
(see Macworld Prank, ZUG )
Passed on to me from one of our senior faculty....
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for
a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its
home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system.
When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any
more so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure.
In 1966, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the
astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation
looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large
vehicles were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar
Nearby, a Navajo sheep herder and his son where watching the strange
creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two
Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the
man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures
were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting
ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could
send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape
recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to
translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and
every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message, "Watch out for
these guys, they come to take your land."
From wired, 2.01:
I remember somebody in 1983 asking Steve Jobs at a meeting, "Where is the
network?" And he threw a floppy disk at the guy. Jobs was a sneaker
net guy up until the last instant.
From wired, 2.01:
You know, computer science inverts the normal. In normal science you're given a
world and your job is to find out the rules. In computer science, you give the
computer the rules and it creates the world. And so we have the reductionism
dream. We can build the whole universe from just one principle.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall
"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
From: Freeland Abbott <freeland>
A one-question geek test. If you get the joke, you're a geek:
Seen on a VW Beetle's California license plate: "FEATURE".
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come
work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P
interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
Steve Bellovin, co-founder of USENET while grad student at UNC in '79:
"We estimated a maximum size of 100 sites, and 1-2 articles a day,
net-wide...you couldn't read things out of order. The goal there (and in many
other spots) was to have software free of databases. Instead, we chose to let
the file system do the work."
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
-Bruce Ediger, email@example.com, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.
Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only
be able to drive backwards with the hand brake on.
`When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".'
How does a cs major compensate for sexual frustration?
He learns a new language, eg Hot Java.
I had this dream that I was lying in a beautiful field. All around me
the Sun shown down upon me with glory and I basked in its warm glow.
The ground was rough, but giving as I lay my face on my hands and
relished my moment of pure serenity.
Then I realized I was asleep face down on the keyboard...
Are Matthew and Jake real people?
No, they are college students at MIT.
What about Matthew's hair?
Matthew's hair used to be purple. Well, no, it used to be plum. Really.
Twice. For a few months. Matthew was going to make his hair purple again
but real people look at you funny if you have funny colored hair.
Matthew has to work with real people so his hair is normal colored now.
If Jake drew the real color of Matthew's hair, it would look like a bird
had dumped on his head. That's why it's purple. Really.
Now, God had set Adam to name every beast, bird and other living thing. When
they passed before him in pairs, male and female Adam --being already like a
twenty-year-old man-- felt jealous of their loves, and though he tried
coupling with each female creature in turn, found no satisfaction in the act.
"On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."
- New Yorker, July 5, '93, p. 61
"Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a
-- Unknown, courtesy of firstname.lastname@example.org
DO NOT REVERSE ENGINEER THE SYSTEM SOFTWARE AND USE THAT INFORMATION IN YOUR
APPLICATIONS! WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.
- Alexander M. Rosenberg <email@example.com>
An applet a day keeps the girlfriend away.
-Tom Kidding <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Although we all know that an app can't truly be labeled killer until
-Suck, Feb. 1, '96
Win95 bad, bad medicine. Stink like ground sloth with mange. MS try make
like fruit computer, computer think it know what caveman want, really just do
random thing it want.
-- Harlan W. Stockman, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Me no really Caveman, me stodgy 41-year-old scientist. Me pretend be
OOG so people actually read story.
-comp.periphs.printers via alt.humor.best-of-usenet
According to co-op lore--confirmed by Frank Mount and Jay Reichman B'82--
co-oper Brad Kemp got a taste for Watermyn's public image while relaxing on the
porch one day. Two old ladies walked by, and one asked the other who lived in
"That's Watermyn co-op," she answered. "Where they eat soybeans and fuck like
The Waterfreaks so liked the slogan that they put it on T-shirts, one of
which hangs proudly in the kitchen today.
-Brown Daily Herald, Nov. 2, '95
I drink coke as a symbol of Australia's cultural and
economic subservience to the United States of America
"Well," you say, "Here in cyberspace a man is nothing if he does not know his
freeware and shareware."
"The World Wide Web is just so *now*," she responds. "Forget grunge--computer
geeks are the epitome of cool."
"You should come over and see my CPU sometime," you say.
Mulder, do you think this could be some sort of silicon-based life
form that has infected this guy's body and used him as a host to reproduce?
Nah, Scully, he's probably just some dweeb engineer who'd do
anything to impress his mentor Scott Adams.
Sock puppet picture, Dilbert
*** signal SEGV (no mapping at the fault address) in KnockClass*Query
at line 4 in file "KnockKnock.p"
CS15 MOTD (Michael Castelle)
Aren't you nervous telling me all this, after receiving all those death threats?
Well, hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeon and Dragons and
not learn a little something about courage.
- "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'", X-Files
I think it's clear from nomination of the best looking guys
that graphics is definitely the way to go
Macintosh announcement, broadcast once in '84 during the Super Bowl
Head on the huge screen:
The 1984th Psalm
Quothe Big Brother...
Each of you is a single cell in the great body of the State. And today,
that great body has purged itself of parasites. We have triumphed over
dissemination of facts. The thugs and wreckers have been cast out. Let
each and every cell rejoice! For today we celebrate the first glorious
anniversary of the
Information Purification Directive.
For today we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information
We have created for the first time, in all history,
a garden of pure ideology, where each worker may bloom,
secure from the pests purveying contradictory thoughts.
Our unification of thought is more powerful a weapon than
any fleet or army on earth.
We are one people, with one will, one resolve, one cause.
Our enemies shall talk themselves to death, and
we will bury them with their own confusion.
We shall prevail!
(hammer smashes into the screen)
On January 24th,
Apple Computer will introduce
And you'll see why 1984
won't be like "1984"
Excuse me, I thought it was the SciLi that was voted one of the top ten best
places to have sex? Explain to me how the CIT came to be a hot place for
romantic interludes. Somehow, I don't think the benches in the main foyer
are the most comfortable place for romantic activities, not to mention the
traffic going in and out of the Sun Lab. And although I've heard those upper
floors where the elevator won't take you are pretty spiffy, I've also been
told that everyone who lives up there is beyond human and shrivels when
exposed to sunlight.
-GCF (BDH) 4/19 p.14
> Poetry from a Security guard? Hmm...
> A thousand hours, a thousand cigarette butts
> Wish I had some better donuts
> Watching the rich in their finery and gilding
> Hope they don't steal this goddamned building...
SHIT! THIS SIGNATURE VIOLATES THE
COMMUNICATIONS DECENCY ACT!!
-email@example.com (Mahesh Madhav)
"Holden!" she said. "It's marvelous to see you! It's been ages." She had one
of those very loud, embarrassing voices when you met her somewhere. She got
away with it because she was so damn good-looking, but it always gave me a
pain in the ass.
-Holden, Catcher in the Rye
> Eeek, I hate it when people have to draw blood from me. I can do
> brain surgery on monkeys, but I hate having blood drawn --go figure!
A friend of mine once had the idea to make the ultimate genre movie, blending
Japanese monster movies, kung-fu flicks, and porn. First you see monsters
trampling cities; then you see some kung fu action; then you see people
fucking; then you see monsters doing martial arts, and kung-fu actors
fucking, and porn actors trampling cities, and monsters fucking, and...
-Christabel La Motte <firstname.lastname@example.org>, alt.gothic
Question: Did you pattern [Beavis & Butthead] after any real life people? If
so, are they in jail yet???
MikeJudge1: They're not patterned off of anyone specific. Most of the people
they're based on are engineers now
Lawrence Watt-Evans <email@example.com> wrote:
>There is no other phrase in the English language which carries quite the
>same contempt as "Fuck off, asshole."
"I like you as a friend."
-rec.arts.comics.misc, rec.arts.comics.dc.universe, alt.censorship
What can I do, where can I go?
I'm not incompetent you know!
I deserve a chance and with good reason,
I only killed one guy last season!
- Susan, "If Dr. Seuss wrote for ER", Brent Fogel <firstname.lastname@example.org>
All these questions, and more, answered in your next edition of comp.os.os2.
advocacy! "Where the women are absent, the men have no life, and the
children post daily."
-email@example.com (Jim Little), comp.os.os2.advocacy, by way of
"...the World Wide Web, a computer network that you should definitely learn
more about, because as you read these words, your 11-year-old is downloading
pornography from it."
-Dave Barry, "How to light a charcoal fire"
"What's up with hypertext? I click and click and click but there's nothing!"
-overheard in the lab
"Where's the road to the summit?"
--Visitor at Mount Rainier National Park
"I really didn't get to look [at] your home page because AOL kept on
-in email to me
And finally, from the EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT
ANGELO MOORE [of the band Fishbone] BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK dept., at the end of
the set, Angie came out, pulled down his fly, and pulled out his cock. All I
can say is... he should be very proud.
-vincentr@ucsub.Colorado.EDU in a concert review, 7/6/96, LA
And for the last time, there has never been, and neither will there ever be,
nasties on this site. If you're looking for pictures of Scully doing the wild
thing, please look elsewhere. And don't ask me for them, I don't have any and
will not entertain queries on them. The filth is out there.
-Exposure is Addiction (X-Files
I haven't gotten to see it yet. Maybe when the lines get shorter . . .
The plot seems simple enough, though:
Aliens arrive from space and destroy Washington. But later they turn out to
-- Steve Jackson, Daily Illuminator, July 6, '96
At her high school championships, [Amy Van Dyken] overheard her three relay
teammates gather just before the race and say, "We could win this, except
Amy's swimming anchor."
-article on olympian Amy Van Dyken, 1996 gold medalist in 100 meter
(By Bill Benner / The Indianapolis Star/News)
This is a true story. I am at the Olympic Trials in 1980 and I am on the
deck. I take my warm-up suit off and start to stretch. I start swinging my
arms and getting ready and I do this for about a minute when someone in the
stands yells, "Rowdy look down." It was then that I noticed I was completely
naked! I didn't have any clothes on, I forget to put my suit on. Tracy
Caulkins is sitting right next to me and she looks right up to me and says,
"It's no big deal Rowdy!" However, Tracy went on to break a world record in
her the next race which I take full credit for.
-Rowdy Gaines, olympic swimmer
Apparently, the aliens were too busy perfecting their death rays to bother
installing a network firewall or the latest version of VirusBuster.
- Mr. Cranky rates Independence Day
"If spaceships blackened our skies, if alien lasers destroyed our cities, if all hope for humanity was gone, you could count on me to do one thing: Fuck anything that moves."
"Aliens invading the earth? I'll believe that when I see it on the silver screen."
-Are We Safe From Aliens?, The Onion
Forbidden Planet was based on Tempest? No way...that game came out when I was
in high school, and Forbidden Planet is from like...1969 or something.
They *did* rip a lot off from Star Trek, though.
-firstname.lastname@example.org (V-X), rec.arts.sf.movies
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer,
most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing
engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their
"... I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. I've
seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. All these things will
be lost in time, like the root partition last week. Time to die..."
-- Peter Gutmann in alt.sysadmin.recovery
A couple of weeks ago, Nancy Kerrigan was at the Brown Bookstore signing
copies of her glossy, 68-page book, In My Own Words. One of my cohorts, not
wanting to pay for a copy, coerced the celebrity into inscribing his copy of
Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy. Then, I had her sign a copy of John Rawls' A
Theory of Justice, a work by one of this century's most renowned political
philosophers. Kerrigan wrote, "Never give up the search for justice, Nancy
"I can remember back when action scenes got boring and were interrupted by
steamy love scenes, but then that was back in the days when audiences liked
sex more than guns."
-Roger Ebert, Feeling Minnesota review
Ernie Hai, co-ordinator of the Singapore Government Internet Project,
explains his government's policy on (lack of) internet access:
"It's not to control, but to protect the citizens of Singapore. In our
society, you can state your views, but they have to be correct."
-in the July 18th edition of Computing Canada, reporting on the recent Internet Society convention in Montreal.
I've paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe,
And told the Spanish tourist's tale about the toothbrush pessary,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.
-"The Newbie's Song", email@example.com (Dave Rogers)
In the 16 September, 1996 Chicago Tribune, Liz Sly comments on the proper
translation of American business and product names into Chinese. About
MicroSoft she writes,
Microsoft has gone for a literal translation, "Wei Ruan," meaning "Small and
Soft." It is not considered a wise choice: The sexual innuendo is
overwhelming, and Chinese snigger every time they hear it. Men in particular
say they are reluctant to purchase software with such an unmanly sounding
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
Message from the mail-daemon:
Hi. This is the qmail-send program at smtp.utexas.edu.
I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following
This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.
Some responses: (from Jeff Hayward - J.Hayward@utexas.edu):
P.S.-Do you get to read all the mail? Is that cool or what?
I thank you very much and apologize. It was my falut. I discovered a
mistake in the e-mail address. It has been very kind of you.
Who are you? Do you handle all email problems? For all I know you
could be another computer sending out an automated error message!
i am even more confused as to what your role in the e-mail process is. are
you some kind of cyber-postman? is it a full time job? do you work for
the university? do you have the legal right to read my mail? don't get me
wrong, i'm not angery, and i'm not screaming "big brother!" here. i just
have a very limited grasp of computers and am curious.
you might be a child of the 80's if...
- three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
- Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am"
- honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
- you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going
into denial about it's possibility
- you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's
those people over 40 you have to look out for
- you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially
inappropriate for you to date due to their age
- you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe
having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after
- you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there"
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
The visual production unit of ILM is disguised as a series of garages and
office buildings. The main entrance bears a misleadingly bland sign -
something like "THE GLOVER COMPANY. OPTICAL RESEARCH LAB." When the Star
Wars craze was at its peak, fans and nuts made nuisances of themselves trying
to penetrate the source of the world with which they'd fallen in love. One
demented pilgrim was run over by a car. To this day, ILM is pulled-back and
-Rudy Rucker, Use Your Illusion (Wired 1.4)
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build
bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce
bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
"The notion that this is mostly about sex is nonsense. The vast majority
of our customers have little or no interest in it."
--- Steve Case, founder and chairman of AOL, Washington Post article 10/1/1996.
It's a fact: Most software needs to be spanked.
- Cooper Software Manifesto
Being a retired professor is a lot like being an ordinary professor, except
that you don't have to write research proposals, administer grants, or sit in
committee meetings. Also, you don't get paid.
- Don Knuth, Retirement
"recursion bites my ass"
"What we have here is a failure to assimilate."
--Cool Hand Locutus
(Bill Livingston <firstname.lastname@example.org>, rec.arts.sf.misc)
Sex is simply the coding urge sublimated.
When asked how he felt about [Salma Hayek] implying in Movieline
magazine that he was a jerk, [Mathew] Perry says: "You gotta understand,
English isn't her first language. She was actually trying to say how sexy I
-Entertainment Weekly, Jan. 24, 1997
"I am proud to live in a country where anybody, regardless of species, can
buy a college degree"
-- Earthworm Jim
"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, brain
death, and there's being off the network."
- Guy Almes, seen on an email from Will Iverson, email@example.com
Yet, with the coming of spring, all that has changed, as students now slip
into less fabric and fewer layers. Their breasts, like big cuddly honeybears
wiping the sleep from their eyes they emerge from hibernation, once again
climb out into the sunshine, stretch out in the open air, and with
near-mythic power grab the attention of all around, their taut nipples and
gently undulating femme-flesh seeming almost to smile and say: "Look at us!
Look at us!"
Prepare Breasts for Increased Springtime Display
"Leave AOL. Call up a local ISP. Make your own web site. Never give your
money to a guy named Steve, who does a GAP ad."
-Five Reasons AOL sucks
"if I wanted to work on old technology in a stifling corporate environment I
would have worked for M$ where at least the stock is worth something, and the
housing is cheap."
"My Life As The VRML Poster Child"
-suggested title for Mark Pesce's next book, Jason Osgood, www-vrml
From: (Guilherme Ferreira Brega) firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Siggraph and VRML
I have been studying VRML for six months and now I am considering the
possibility of going to Siggraph in August.
I'm wondering if some of you will be there, so we can get in touch
to talk about VRML and the Siggraph itself.
I think that relationships (are) just God's great way of laughing at us.
Doesn't matter about gender or anything. it's a standard.
"It is not enough to say, 'We must drop bass.' It is not enough to say, 'We
must rock the crazy beats,'" President Clinton said Monday in a secret live
appearance at D.C.'s famed underground The 930 Club. "If American techno is
to become the world's leader once again, we must drop much bass; we must rock
mad, phat-ass, crazy beats; and we must do so quick-fast in a hurry, 24-7,
365. And I am out."
-U.S. Techno-Industrial Base Eroding Due To Foreign Competition, The Onion
poster run up by kieran healy
notice how writing everything
in lower-case letters and leaving out
the punctuation like this gives me
that elusive graphic designer chic
"memset is my shepherd, I shall not want"
"You're not always working in Windows? How weird." - from email to me
"Like many of my equally sleep-deprived peers, immersed in a two-dimensional
world of endlessly streaming 'C++ code,' I long ago realized that 'human
interaction' can only lead to decreased productivity and potential sexual
conquests, both of which would only serve to make the 200 MHz processor that
lies encased before me spin in continued, useless idle loops."
-mcc, 11/24/97 BDH
"Don't get me wrong, I'm all for talking about racism, race relations; I'm
proud of my Asian-Americanness but admittedly have also adapted to many
aspects of American, and thus predominantly white, culture. But there is only
so much head-butting and name-calling and over-theorizing we can do before we
realize we are getting nowhere. And we end up talking about breast size."
-Grace Wang, 11/24/97 BDH
"No, I don't really know how to build a bomb. That's why I admire the Unabomber -- just like Domino's, he delivers."
-Sarah Lockhart, BDH, 10/13/95
"'Face/Off' shocked teenage boys across the nation with its astounding
casting of an actual old chick (Joan Allen) to play the role of the old movie
star guy (John Travolta)'s wife. This massive, fundamental paradigm shift is
so revolutionary that one could easily expect new theories in feminism film
semiotics to be formed around it, or, at least, less embarassing junior high
-Brown Film Bulletin, 12/12/97
"My reaction is that freedom of speech not only lives, it rocks!"
- Oprah Winfrey on her victory against the meat industry in Texas
And most of all, i want to thank my father up there, the man who when i said
i wanted to be an actor, he said, wonderful, just have a backup profession
like welding. thank you. god bless you.
- acceptance speech, Oscar, Best Supporting Actor, '98, Robin Williams
"On a film like Lost in Space, they send you a likeness of your action figure
and say, 'Please approve your head.' "
-- Heather Graham, on playing a character in a big-budget film.
"...with PETA, the often controversial organization that advocates for the
murder of all people involved in acts of animal cruelty."
- Chris Browne, brown.sigs.techhouse
"I'm going for people with big wallets and small brains"
- Professor about finding sponsors
"The VRML people and Java3d people are trying to smoke dope together and bond"
And the number one top oxymoron:
1. Microsoft Works
Everyone has had this same experience: You're at a party and some asshole
comes over to you and starts up a conversation with the clever introduction:
"Dude, let me tell you about the time I took six hits of acid and
accidentally got a golf club shaft jammed up my rectum." Unfortunately, this
time there's not much of a party, there's an $8 cover, and the asshole is
Terry ("12 Monkeys") Gilliam
-Mr. Cranky on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
"Oh, and then there are New York's Mayor Ebert (gamely played by Michael
Lerner) and his adviser, Gene (Lorry Goldman). The mayor of course makes
every possible wrong decision (he is against evacuating Manhattan, etc.), and
the adviser eventually gives thumbs-down to his reelection campaign. These
characters are a reaction by Emmerich and Devlin to negative Siskel and Ebert
reviews of their earlier movies ("Stargate," "Independence Day"), but they
let us off lightly; I fully expected to be squished like a bug by Godzilla.
Now that I've inspired a character in a Godzilla movie, all I really still
desire is for several Ingmar Bergman characters to sit in a circle and read
my reviews to one another in hushed tones."
-Ebert's review of Godzilla
"Just sit back, drink some beer, jerk off, watch some TV. It's summer!"
"I personally think the thing that's stood in the way of VRML's success has
been its lack of Reverse Polish Notation!"
--Bob Crispen, Robert.Crispen@HSV.Boeing.com
"One of the side effects of rapid technological change is that you can now
become an old fart younger than ever."
-- John Seabrook, New Yorker, June 1997
"Microsoft Recruits Sea Slugs"
- headline at www.wired.com
"He agonized over it -- but there was something about it that wasn't
him. That was the message I got on my machine, like the day before:
'It just ain't me, bro.' Apparently, getting $4 million to do a juice
ad that airs only in Japan is him; going to the Oscars is not."
-- James Cameron on Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar no-show in Rolling Stone.
Two computer people discussing those old stories about Bill Gates' name
adding up to 666 in ASCII:
"I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a satanic message"
"--That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!"
-email@example.com (John Horner), rec.humor.funny
"UNIX is like New Jersey. it was once a nice, pristine place. Then the
europeans came... and then the mob took over... The same can be said about
the WIN32 API, but they skipped the first step..."
"beautiful people can be so *boring*!"
"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners."
- Ernst Jan Plugge
Actual listing in the TV section of the Marin (CA) Independent-Journal:
Movie "The Wizard of Oz": Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl
kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers
to kill again.
"I really love the script, I have to say. I remember finishing it and
going, I wish I had a better director, because I think it could have
been one of the best episodes we ever did."
- David Duchovny, on an upcoming X-Files episode that he wrote and directed
Now, needless to say, the ultimate movie on "what it means to be human" is of
course "Blade Runner", in which the answer is "jack shit" and optimistically
suggests that Daryl Hannah may someday be "a basic pleasure model".
-Brown Film Society Film Bulletin
Sooner or later the statute of limitations has to run out on comparisons between new movies and ``Pulp Fiction.''
-Roger Ebert's review of Go
"I did like one sequence in the film, involving the ultimate in virtual
reality: a VR experience in which everything is exactly as it is in real
life, except more expensive."
-Roger Ebert review
INT. CASTLE THING
I love thee!
I love thee, also!
Suddenly, we see a quick glimpse of GWYNETH'S BREASTS.
NORMAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS
HOORAY! I SAW PALTROW BOOBIES!! GIVE
HER AN OSCAR! GIVE HER AN OSCAR!
-Shakespeare in Love: The Abridged Script
A Z-up world starts with a ground plane that represents the X and Y
directions, and Z represents the up direction. To illustrate, put your
middle finger on your nose (Y), point your thumb out (X) and point your
index finger up (Z).
"I watched Titanic when I got back home (from the hospital) and cried.
And I knew that my I.Q. had been damaged."
-Stephen King about the damaging effect of his recent accident.
ACDC rocks. Everybody knows it. I can't believe people still get duped by all
the backstreet boys kind of shit. You'd think by now people would'a figured
out who's playing music and who's not.
from the Red Hot Chili Peppers
"We then went to a fancy party which was given by Donatella Versace. It is
unlike me to hangout at those things, and I am kind of a social misfit in
that way, but I eventually relaxed and had a nice time. I went to pee and a
security guy grabbed me and said that toilet is only for special people,
pushed me out of the way and I already had my dick out. It was bizarre...
Then someone who I know who is famous arranged for me to pee. I was going to
call my lawyer to get my agent to fax my manager about it, but I would have
wet my pants by then"
from the Red Hot Chili Peppers
HORSE SHIT Supplies are NOT Limited, but act now Anyway!
On seeing a girl with a pierced tongue, he thought, "Just like Microsoft.
Can't do the job right, so throw hardware at it."
-firstname.lastname@example.org (Maegaera Erinnyes), rec.humor.funny
"I've been lucky to have the same circle of friends since when I was in High
School back in Illinois. Many of them live in Los Angeles now too and so
they very much help to keep any 'rock excess' to a minimum by reminding me
that I'm just a recovering D&D player from Lake County, Illinois."
-online chat, Tom Morello, Rage Against the Machine
Women Are More Complicated than Computers
I think this is why so many guys hide their heads in their monitors instead
of going out and meeting women. Understanding women is harder than figuring
out the hardest computer game, harder even than setting up a secure
200-client network running *BSD. But women can offer more satisfaction than
even an overclocked, dual-Celeron workstation, so learning how to deal with
them is worth the extra effort
I believe the greatest frustration about women for men who are used to
dealing with Open Source software is that you cannot fix flaws you find in
- Slashdot posting
"I don't do much programming, so my opinion doesn't count for much"
out of context from slashdot
"It's been an exciting week. First the Spice Girls break up, and now we have
the first experimental indication that neutrinos have mass."
-cosmologist Edward W. "Rocky" Kolb, Fermilab, c. May 31, 1998 (Halliwell
left on May 31, Neutrino '98 occurred Jun. 5)
Bob Young writes to tell us that Red Hat has reported its first quarterly
income. "I was walking from my office to the confrence room when I found a
25-cent piece lying on the ground. Instead of putting it in my pocket, I
added it to the company's balance sheet and, well, I think that kind of
revenue stream more than justifies our stock price." And cynics said that
"free" software couldn't make money!
- Suck, a /. parody
I am dyslexic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.
"Spoon!!!!" - the Tick
"There is no spoon" - the Matrix
"Do not try and bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead, try and realize
"The spoon effect will be added later using some sort of SGI
-cr0bar's parody of the matrix
But the world of technology repelled her. To Liz it was a colorless place
where throngs of badly dressed men with unfortunate haircuts talked for hours
in frantic, desperate tones about absolutely nothing important, a blizzard of
acronyms and jargon in a vacuum of time-delayed adolescence. Liz had
successfully negotiated a working partnership with her own computer, but
could see no point in making a career of it.
Follies, Chapter 4
My job is to sandpaper down the membrane between my conscious and my
unconscious, and let my unconscious do the job.
-William Gibson in an interview
Within a month of his arrival, Randy solved some trivial computer problems
for one of the other grad students. A week later, the chairman of the
astronomy department called him over and said, "So, you're the UNIX guru." At
the time, Randy was still stupid enough to be flattered by this attention,
when he should have recognized them as bone-chilling words.
Three years later, he left the Astronomy Department without a degree, and
with nothing to show for his labors except six hundred dollars in his bank
account and a staggeringly comprehensive knowledge of UNIX. Later, he was to
calculate that, at the going rates for programmers, the department had
extracted about a quarter of a million dollars' worth of work from him, in
return for an outlay of less than twenty thousand.
-Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson, p. 78-79
The classically-minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for
Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical
theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen, while the
chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis"
This translates to:
"The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of Hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its research.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
KEVIN, holding the Oscar he won for "The Usual Suspects," and ANNETTE watch
their daughter THORA and some other HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS doing an
elaborate PAULA ABDUL- choreographed dance routine.
(to his Oscar)
You're going to have a little brother
soon! Yes you are!
-American Beauty: The Abridged Script
You rhyme "crush" and "serious." Not many singers can do that!
And you cover the Rolling Stones' "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." That took
nerve. Friends must have been, like, "Oh Britney, maybe you should stay away
from one of the greatest songs in rock history. People will laugh at you."
You're like, Whatever! And your version is way better than the Stones'
because you can dance to it, you know? And it doesn't have that annoying
guitar riff that just keeps repeating, over and over. Instead, the beat is
kind of like Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean."
-"Britney, One More Time, Only Like Even More So", Washington Post (review of Britney
Spears' new album as open letter to Britney), May 16, 2000
Millions of teenagers converged on the nation's record stores May 16 for the
release of "Oops!... I Did It Again", pop superstar Britney Spears' second
album. What are the reasons for the fan frenzy?
- "Britney's Back" (from the onion)
- 19% - Moved by Sears' explanation that new single "Take Me From Behind"
is about "true love sneaking up on you"
- 8% - Love new album's stellar cover of Minor Threat's "Bottled Violence"
- 10% - Unlike first album, which focused on Spears' breasts, new album all about the ass
- 5% - Album-generating software program TeenPop AlbumPro 5.0 did it again
Gone in 60 Seconds
Nicolas Cage and Angelina Jolie star in a slapstick yet tender-hearted look
at life inside a premature ejaculation clinic.
-Summer Movie eView, Not Horrifyingly Banal Tales (modern humorist)
In "Cryptonomicon," I did kind of go out on a limb. It was almost an
experiment, to see if it was theoretically possible: Can you make a Unix
systems administrator into a fictional character who people will find
- Neal Stephenson, Time Digital
"hanging out in a college environment preserves youth"
- Caroline Green
"the first time I sat down at a computer I really began to appreciate my etch-a-sketch"
-Malcom Grear Designers - Environmental Design
But Ron -- proprietor of the local comic-book shop and curious why I needed
him to set aside this week's usual stash -- got the straight dope:
"Oh, I'm going to a hackers' convention."
It was a necessary tactic. Most of the rest of the humans in my life would
have listened to that and heard, "I'm travelling to an undisclosed location
where I and a mostly-male group of pasty people, impatient with the certain
but wretchedly slow process through which Society's own nasty habits will
bring about the downfall of the human race, will seek to speed things up
through systematic attacks on mail servers, banking systems, and top-secret
government computer installations. And if any technology more sophisticated
than the shoelace aglet is still operational anywhere in the world on Monday
afternoon, we'll feel as though we weren't really trying."
-Andy Among the
Hackers: Day One (zdnet)
On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see
who's got the better imaginary friend."
It's like a menu. They can look, but they can't afford it
- Anna Kournikova, on male fans admiration of her body, US Weekly, July 17,
2000, p. 25
[Kornikova] Endorses sports bras with the slogan, "Only the balls should bounce."
Users swarmed message boards and chat rooms Tuesday after learning that their
Napster would become, in part, an industry tool, and expressed fears that
they would have to go back to their previous method of getting free music,
where one guy distracts the clerk with obscure questions about jazz while the
other guy stuffs as many cd's as he can into the side pockets of his giant
orange cargo pants.
-The Daily Show, outtake, Nov. '00
I also have to admit that the aura of hushed respect surrounding Saving
Private Ryan made me approach it with suspicion; for that matter, I'm wary of
trusting the rhetoric of any director who chooses to begin and end a picture
with the waving of an American flag.
-Chicago Reader, July '98, Jonathan Rosenbaum
Perhaps if there were more opportunities for sexual gratification, so many
people wouldn't feel the need to fill a nagging emptiness with a needy
-"Do we have to stop having sex?" (The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement)
"Don't mind her - she's French-Canadian. Some days she's Canadian and can be
quite pleasant. Today she's obviously French"
Top Ten Survivor Pickup Lines (Season 2, May 3, '01)
4. "Don't worry. Producers just made me look like a psycho bitch in
3. "It wasn't editing." (Keith)
By now, there's about as much sport in mocking Keanu as there is in shooting
a pork roast with a hunting rifle. My theory is that people keep shelling
out good money to see him perform because he's managed to combine the most
fascinating aspects of both a car wreck and a beauty pageant. He hasn't even
lived fast and died young yet, and he's already a good-looking corpse.
-Review of Sweet November, Paul Tatara
Up in the ether of the atmosphere, Mulder is still getting tortured. And you
can tell it's been a while since our last visit to the Worst Dentist in the
Universe, because not only are his cheeks all stretched apart, still, he's
also gotten himself a real bad case of dry skin -- all flaky and whatnot --
on his chin. Still, a little moisturizer will clear that right up; the
constant chest openings and anal probings are probably more worrisome,
-X-Files episode recap
Now seriously, Judy -- you sound like a bit of a raver (all girls called Judy
are ravers) -- surely being beside Lake Geneva isn't your idea of a good time
unless you've overshot on the piste somewhat? You must know what having a
good time is all about. It's when you can afterwards lie back on the bed,
kick your knickers off, and they stick to the ceiling. Then you know you've
had a really wild time. Try doing that beside Lake Geneva and you'll get into
all manner of serious shit with the local police.
-James Follett , demon.local
Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling
-The Onion, June 20, 2001
"This is obviously the best show on TV"
-male friend's comment while watching a lesbian kissing scene on MTV's Undressed
"Once you lose your virginity, you lose your virginity. There's nothing you
can do to get that back."
-Tara Reid about the American Pie sequel, American Pie 2
"What's going on?" Aaron asked. "You answering your own telephone now?"
"It's just that I figured, being president of your own company and all, you'd have a secretary or something."
"I do," Ogle said. "But she's a real good secretary, so I'm not going to waste her time having her answer the phone."
- "Interface" by Stephen Bury (aka Neal Stephenson)
"Yankees!" I expostulated. "I don't see how anyone can root for them - it's
like rooting for the Cosa Nostra. You know they've got the money to buy the
muscle to win - but that doesn't make you cheer them on."
- Indemnity Only, by Sara Paretsky, p. 72
"There are Air Force jets flying over Manhattan and warships in New
York harbor, but none of it is exciting or entertaining at all," said Wall
Street broker Irwin Trotter, 47, among the lucky ones who walked away
from the destruction. "If the world were going to suddenly turn into a movie
without warning, I wish it would have been one of those boring, talky
Merchant-Ivory ones instead. I hate those movies, but I sure wish we were
living in one right now."
The collective sense of outrage, helplessness, and desperation felt by
Americans is beyond comprehension. And it will be years before the full
ramifications of the events of Sept. 11 become clear. But one thing is clear:
No Austrian bodybuilder, gripping Uzis and striding shirtless through the
debris, will save us and make it all better. Shocked and speechless, we are
all still waiting for the end credits to roll. They aren't going to.
-America Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie, Theonion.com
'Saturday Night Live' is one of our great New York City institutions,"
replied Giuliani, who has urged New Yorkers to return to normal life, "so
that's why it's important for you to do your show tonight."
"Can we be funny?" Michaels asked him.
"Why start now?" cracked Giuliani with perfect timing. It was the night's
-SNL' Includes Terrorism Observance, Sep. 30, 2001
I have just returned from the Toronto Film Festival, where two directors said
things that continue to resonate. Norman Jewison told me, ''The Hollywood
studio movies of the last two years have been the worst in history. And you
would not believe the crap that doesn't get made. I look at a screenplay and
ask them if they're serious. And they are.'' And Paul Cox said, ''A movie
should not make you a more disgusting human being.''
-Will a changing world change film?, Roger Ebert, Sep. 23, '01
"When you use the words Mystique and Aura, those are dancers in a
-Curt Schilling, Arizona Diamondbacks, on words used to describe the Yankees
"Mystique and Aura are now just a couple skanky hos dancing at Bada Bing"
Deep pain do I feel
those goddamn fucking yankees
Fenway is silent.
-haiku received via email on Nov. 1, 2001, in the midst of the World Series
The Yankees, once down two games to none in the best-of-seven World Series,
won three straight against the Arizona Diamondbacks before losing in the
seventh game. The last two Yankee wins required late-inning heroics so
ostentatiously improbable (the Yankees were losing each game with two outs in
the bottom of the ninth inning, then hit home runs to tie) that few doubt
Divine intervention. While grateful for the assistance, even Yankee faithful
questioned the Almighty's timing and priorities.
-So Now God Takes An
Interest In Answering New York's Prayers?, satirewire.com
Why is baseball our national pastime? Because it is a metaphor for life
itself. As George Will put it: ``In life, as in baseball, we must leave the
dugout of complacency, step up to the home plate of opportunity, adjust the
protective groin cup of caution and swing the bat of hope at the curve ball
of fate, hoping that we can hit a line drive of success past the shortstop of
misfortune, then sprint down the basepath of chance, knowing that at any
moment we may pull the hamstring muscle of inadequacy and fall face-first
onto the field of failure, where the chinch bugs of broken dreams will crawl
into our nose.''
-Dave Barry, "Grab your pajamas, it's World Series time"
The panel that
seemed to upset the most readers was published on Thanksgiving day, a day
when nearly all other comics contained a traditional giving-thanks message.
In Boondocks, young Huey says grace at the dinner table this way:
``Ahem . . . in this time of war against Osama bin Laden and the oppressive
Taliban regime . . . we are thankful that our leader isn't the spoiled son of
a powerful politician from a wealthy oil family who is supported by religious
fundamentalists, operates through clandestine organizations, has no respect
for the democratic electoral process, bombs innocents, and uses war to deny
people their civil liberties -- amen.''
"My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy.
But I think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me
nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid I always had nightmares about
-Scrubs, season 1, episode 13
"...and you are about to return to your lucid dream, with all the upgrades. You
won't remember any of this, nor will you be charged for technical support"
Phillipe and Jorge hear a wonderful story about a friend and well-known
scientist who was formerly at the URI Graduate School of Oceanography.
National Geographic's last issue had a feature on the
Antarctic, including a huge iceberg that had actually blocked a shipping
route at the South Pole. The author of the story was in the Antarctic giving
a presentation and described the berg as being, in the typical cliched
analogy, "as big as Rhode Island." Our friend, who was visiting the pole at
the time, went ballistic, telling the reporter to never use that expression
again or she'd kick him or something.
At another presentation a few days later, also
attended by P&J's friend, the Geographic writer began describing the iceberg
again, and when he got to the line "as big as . . . ," he pointedly turned
toward her and uttered, "as Delaware," saying it with a smile.
The article on Antarctica and the iceberg eventually
saw print, and sure enough, included the phrase "as big as Delaware." Our
friend, as Groucho would say, was defending our honor, which is more than we
& Jorge, Jan. 31, '02
L.O.R.I.N.G.: Lifelike Organism Responsible for Infiltration and Nocturnal
"I went to "Crossroads" expecting a glitzy bimbofest and got the bimbos but
not the fest."
-Crossroads review by Roger Ebert
Incidentally, Christensen [Sam in Life as a House] will be playing Anakin
Skywalker the next time George Lucas comes down from the mountain to shake
-Paul Tatara, CNN review of Life as a House
He [jailed after his first solo court appearance] would know better if he
watched a couple episodes of Law & Order. Note that I base all court
proceedings on the wisdom of Sam Watterson[sic].
eBay Hackers Goofs up and Goes to Jail (slashdot)
There are three things the average man thinks he can do better than anybody
else: build a fire, run a hotel, and manage a baseball team.
"Pitching is the art of instilling fear." -Sandy Koufax
"The sport to which I owe so much has undergone profound changes...but it's
still baseball. Kids still imitate their heroes on playgrounds. Fans still
ruin expensive suits going after foul balls that cost five dollars. Hitting
streaks still make the network news. And the hotdogs still taste better at
the ballpark than at home."
Did I already mention that guy Jeter's a little strange?
He's always hangin' round the showers
waiting for guys to change.
On the reacharound
that guy's got excellent hands and tremendous range.
-Yankees Suck by Bender
"It was in 1988 that a Boston newspaper greeted an Opening Day loss with a
''Wait Till Next Year'' headline."
Globe, Apr. 2, '02 (after the Red Sox lost to the Toronto Blue Jays in
the 2002 season opener, and Pedro Martinez gave up 7 runs)
"You take a team with twenty-five assholes and I'll show you a pennant. I'll
show you the New York Yankees."
-Bill "Spaceman" Lee
"This is not just a team, or a sports franchise... The Red
Sox are a way of life, the lifestyle of an entire region. There isn't another
place where baseball matters the way it does in Boston and throughout
The good news is that God has evidently forgiven Britney Spears for underage
drinking, smoking and losing her virginity before getting wed. The bad news
is that He still appears to hate the rest of us enough to let her carry on
-Daily Star (UK), May 16, '02
[Jason Kidd] was upset when fans in Boston yelled ``wife beater'' at him,
referring to his spousal-abuse arrest in January 2001. He was more upset at
the attention fans directed toward his wife and 3-year-old child who attended
Wednesday, Nets fans took their turn. When Paul Pierce stepped to the
free-throw line in the first quarter, fans behind the basket held a sign that
read, ``Will someone please stab Paul Pierce.'' The sign referred to an
incident in the summer of 2000, when Pierce was stabbed several times in a
News, May 30, '02
The Sox held a slender one-run lead in the seventh, and history, both recent
and not so recent, suggested it wouldn't hold up. September was a bad month
for New England baseball fans. You could spend most of it searching in vain
for reasons you were so optimistic back in April. Next April was when you'd
-Empire Falls by Richard Russo, 2001, p. 119
What was life but good barstools and bad ones, good fortunes and bad,
shifting from Sunday to Sunday, year to year, like the fortunes of the New
England Patriots. There was no such thing as continual good fortune - or
misfortune, except for the Red Sox, whose curse seemed eternal.
-Empire Falls by Richard Russo, 2001, p. 333
Toby Harrah: "My favorite story is when [Ted] Williams was just coming back from
the service and he was working out with the Red Sox, who were playing the
Yankees. The Yankees won the ballgame, then they heard that he was taking
batting practice after the game. And the entire ballclub stayed in the dugout
after the game and waited for Ted Williams to come out and take batting
practice. And they all watched him hit."
-Williams esteemed by players
"So they can never write, ever again," said [Ted] Williams, "that I was
hard-headed, so they can never write again that I never tipped my hat to the
crowd, today I tip my hat. I tip my hat to all the people in New England, the
greatest sports fans on earth."
-Ted Williams Day, May 12, '91
My personal memories of [Ted] Williams began when I was a boy in
Pennsylvania, with two last-place teams in Philadelphia to keep me company.
For me, ''W'ms, lf'' was a figment of the box scores who always seemed to be
fans bid Kid Adieu, John Updike, New Yorker, Oct. 22, 1960
It's all ancient history now, but there was a game in 1917 when Ruth was
pitching for Boston and was ejected after walking the first man on four
pitches, complaining after each one, then punching the umpire in the face.
Ernie Shore relieved Ruth and pitched a perfect game the rest of the way. Now
that's a moment.
list misses some memorable moments, Providence Journal, Jul 21, '02
"You sometimes hear Cubs fans say about their team, 'They wouldn't be the
Cubs if they didn't break your heart.' But the Red Sox aren't content with
merely breaking your heart. They first cut it out with rusty razor blades,
defecate on it, throw the whole sorry mess into a Cuisinart, and finally dump
the gruesome muck into Chelsea Harbor at low tide. All the while, they keep
you on life support and force you to watch the proceedings on NESN by
propping your eyelids open with Ebola-infected needles." -- rvf35
I'm going to pick my 30 most memorable baseball moments, period. Major
League Baseball is welcome to keep the ones they like.
This week, the first 10 off the top of my head:
30) Oct. 21, 2000, at Yankee Stadium. Bernie Williams catches a fly ball
hit by somebody on the Mets. The play wasn't memorable; what's
memorable is that Williams is Puerto Rican, and the catch caused
Jennifer Lopez, who was seated about six rows in front of me, dressed in
a bare midriff halter top, to stand up and yell something in Spanish.
Trust me, no one who was there will ever forget it.
-My most memorable baseball moments, Allen Barra, July 26, '02
"He said he wanted to end up in a Frisbee that accidentally lands on
-Daniel Headrick about his father, Edward Headrick, father of disc golf and
the modern frisbee
San Francisco Chronicle, Aug. 14, '02
"Everyone is happier because the Yankees lost," the Rally Monkey said. "The
economy is in the toilet, our CEOs are crooks, our 401Ks are worthless and
we're heading to war -- but at least the Yankees got knocked out of the
postseason. It gives everyone hope."
after the Yankees were eliminated by the Angels in 2002
"Two years ago I was in Pawtucket, Rhode Island"
-2002 World Series champion David Eckstein, Anaheim Angel, on Leno, Oct 28, '02
"This guy dumps more braincells everytime [sic] his girlfriend spits after
oral sex then you could ever hope to have."
"Sneak into the Guinness factory and steal some stout so good my dick goes
-Victor's travelogue, Rules of Attraction
"Perhaps the truth is less interesting than the facts?" asked Amy Weiss, the
RIAA's Senior Vice President of Communications recently in this email to
It's a question which has baffled many of our readers, and us too. Perhaps
it's a kind of Zen koan, which needs to be repeated many times before making
sense. If so, we can't report any success.
-RIAA in a spin over CD copying bust
People who ask to be upgraded will be upgraded Tuesday (or sooner).
People who want NOT to be upgraded will receive counselling from
a friendly tstaff person.
Syspost message "Linux Upgrade Time
"This isn't a city, it's a carwash!"
-about Seattle, from Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver, p. 286
Shane - I found the bomb
Cassie - Let's grab it and get out of here... [someone lifts it up] ... unless ... lifting it up activates the timer
D.D.- [opens bomb case] Red and green wires
Shane - you know, that's so cliche
D.D - which one should I pull?
Cassie - the red
Shane - the green
Cassie - the red
Shane - the green
Cassie - Diehard: With a Vengence was the red
Shane - Blown Away was the green
Cassie - Executive Decision was the red
Shane - Lethal Weapon 3 was the green
D.D. - Guys! This isn't a movie!
Cassie - You're right, if it was we'd have bigger sets
- She Spies, pilot
Baseball in Boston isn't a matter of life and death; it's much more serious
I bet those MFY who are there [at Spring Training] early are there because
they got packages in the mail from Steinbrenner with the pinkies of loved
ones and notes telling them to get to Tampa early or the fingers will keep
"She's been dropped into neighborhoods like Dogtown, which birthed
skateboarding, to explore the roots in hope of finding whatever the next
thing might be. And she's learned it's largely a matter of being
willing to ask the next question. She's met the very Mexican who first
wore his baseball cap backward, asking the next question. She's that
- Pattern Recognition by William Gibson, p. 32
"She decides that this is either another sign of serotonin normalization,
daydreaming of another place, or a get-the-hell-out-of-Dodge reaction to
Asian Sluts on the browser."
- Pattern Recognition by William Gibson, p. 51
There's one problem with all psychological knowledge - nobody can apply it
to themselves. People can be incredibly astute about the shortcomings of
their friends, spouses, children. But they have no insight into themselves
at all. The same people who are coldly clear-eyed about the world around
them have nothing but fantasies about themselves. Psychological knowledge
doesn't work if you look in a mirror. This bizarre fact is, as far as I
Personally, I always thought there was a clue from computer programming, in a
procedure called recursion. Recursion means making the program loop back on
itself, to use its own information to do things over and over until it gets a
result. You use recursion for certain data-sorting algorithms and things
like that. But it's got to be done carefully, or you risk having the machine
fall into what is called an infinite regress. It's the programming
equivalent of those funhouse mirrors that reflect mirrors, and mirrors, ever
smaller and smaller, stretching away to infinity. The program keeps going,
repeating and repeating, but nothing happens. The machine hangs.
I always figured something similar must happen when people turn their
psychological insight-apparatus on themselves. The brain hangs. The thought
process goes and goes, but it doesn't get anywhere. It must be something
like that, because we know that people can think about themselves
indefinitely. Some people think of little else. Yet people never seem to
change as a result of their intensive introspection. They never understand
themselves better. It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge.
- "Prey" by Michael Crichton, p. 77-78
Shame on you, Mr. Bush. Shame on you! Anytime you've got the pope and the
Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up!
- Film director Michael Moore, Oscar speech, Mar. 23, '03
He is bright, funny, and will one day be suave and handsome. Till that day
arrives, he'll do the best he can with bright and funny.
- Buffy The Vampire Slayer, "Welcome to the Hellmouth" script, p. 10
The vice presidency is actually a nerd's perfect job. A sidekick is
supposed to be a bigger geek than the star. Like in the teen TV drama My
So-Called Life, when the dreamboat boy Jordan Catalano gets the telephone
number of a girl he doesn't know in two seconds flat, the nerd Brian Krakow
asks him, "This is, like, how you live?" How many times Gore must have
wanted to ask that question of Clinton, with the sidekick's tone of disdain
mixed with awe.
- The Partly Cloudly Patriot by Sarah Vowell, p. 105
Medical Examiner: By the way, I don't know how CSU missed this - but we found her keys
and her cell phone in an inside pocket
Detective: Those crime scene guys are highly over rated - the problem is they
all think they're cops
-Law and Order, April 30, '03
I wore my Sox garb and many of the dipshit MFY fans tried to give me shit. I
responded by saying that the Sox were only 2 and a half back on a team that
was having the best start in franchise history. This shut most of them up,
and the ones it didn't, I asked them how the Knicks were doing.
-Robinson Checo, Sons of Sam Horn message board, May 11, '03
In every case, the [sports] superstar enjoyed his prime years in a particular
city and still reaps the benefits of that relationship to this day. And yet
[Roger] Clemens drifts along, the hired hitman, the superstar who sold out
his fans for a few extra bucks. Instead of a team logo, the cap on his Hall
of Fame statue should simply feature a dollar sign.
-Is Roger Clemens
really the Antichrist?" by Bill Simmons
-- sign held up by an apparent Red Sox fan when Roger Clemens failed to get
his 300th win.
(Off Base, May 28, '03)
Top Ten Sammy Sosa Explanations [for being caught with a corked bat]
10. "My mind was clouded by the anabolic steroids"
1. "Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't do it"
-Late Night w/ David Letterman, Jun. 4, '03
We need the Yankees the same way Rocky Balboa needed Apollo Creed, Luke
Skywalker needed Darth Vader and Delta House needed Dean Wormer.
What would baseball be without the Yankees? A much better, healthier and more
equitable world, for sure, but a far less interesting one as well.
Yes, it's always great to win a championship, but when you also take it away
from a team that represents greed, avarice, the IRS, cable TV companies and
everything else that represents evil -- in other words, when you beat the
Yankees -- that is truly an achievement worth celebrating.
-For every hero, we need a villain, ESPN, pg. 2
It's a different kind of thing being a Cubs or Red Sox fan. You see an open
parking space, but you don't pull in, because you know if you do, pigeons
will come calling for your paint job. You meet a pretty girl, but you don't
ask for her number, because you know sooner or later she's gonna serve up
your heart with fava beans and a nice chianti.
-This can be the
"Georgie Porgie, he might buy the whole league, but he doesn't have enough
money to buy fear to put in my heart."
-RHP Pedro Martinez on Yankees owner George Steinbrenner's assertion that he
intentionally threw at Alfonso Soriano and Derek Jeter on July 7 , in
The Hartford Courant
"Because I'm a grown man and I don't have to do it."
-Barry Bonds, on why he is not participating in the 2003 Home Run Derby
Jeter's defensive liabilities have been analysed to death over at
Baseballprimer.com, and by any conceivable metric he's shown as an
unbelievably bad defensive player. His defense was looked at 27 different
ways and they all said the same thing: he fields like Helen Keller would, if
she weren't dead already.
-Smiling Joe Hesketh on
Still, [Jeter's] a fine hitter and I wouldn't kick him out of my dugout. But though Jetes has mastered a number of activities involving balls, fielding is not among them.
-Maalox on SOSH
steps for converting a Yankee fan girlfriend into a Red Sox fan:
5. If all seems lost, repeat, over and over, "Freedom-loving Americans thank
God that Ted Williams was a better pilot than Thurman Munson," until she
DLew On Roids on SOSH
As always, the mood is both grim and hopeful. Last year the Red Sox,
perennial near-champs, again acted like contenders. Yet again the team's
fans loyally fell for it, and once more their baseball season closed with
heartbreak. It's an old, tragic ritual, perfectly suited to a hardworking
yet romantic immigrant city such as Boston. Like the Irish themselves, the
Red Sox have been trying to win since 1919, in pursuit of an ever-approaching
instant of respect that never completely arrives.
-The Long Ball: The Summer of '75--Spaceman, Catfish, Charlie Hustle, and the
Greatest World Series Ever Played by Tom Adelman, p. 39
"Trying to hit Sandy Koufax was like trying to drink coffee with a fork."
"Hitting is better than sex."
"You know what God told the Cubs? Don't do anything until I come back."
"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins
in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the
summer, filling the afternoon and evenings, and then as soon as the chill
rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. You count on it,
you rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine
and high skies alive, and then, just when the days are all twilight, when you
need it most, it stops."
- A. Bartlett Giamatti, on baseball
"If a horse can't eat it, I don't want to play on it."
-Richie Allen on astroturf
Providence is an hour south of Boston on Route 95. It has Brown University
and the Rhode Island School of Design and a good-looking State House and a
civic center and Federal Hill, a recycled Italian neighborhood with concrete
arches at the entrance on Atwell Avenue.... In Providence the cops wore
brown uniforms and drove brown-and-white cruisers. I was pretty sure you
could never solve a crime wearing a brown uniform. Maybe it was in honor of
-Ceremony by Robert B. Parker, 1982
"They killed my father, and now they're coming for me."
-about being a Red Sox fan
At this stage in baseball history, though, I'm afraid the wild card is
probably a necessary evil, like dancing groundskeepers.
-Thumbs up to the wild card
Twas the night to beat Yankees
and all through the nation
not a single soul was thinkin
of 85 years of damnation
Cuz this is the year
to end our bad luck
and even if it werent
the YANKEES STILL SUCK
On damon on nixon manny and nomah
On v-tek on walker ortiz and millah
carry this team and end this damned curse
don't blow the game or youll leave town in a hearse
to the TRUE fans of BOSTON
get a beer and a cup
and say it together
COWBOY THE HELL UP!
Go ReD SoXx!!
-received at 4 pm, Oct. 16, '03 (ALCS Game 7)
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the
first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at
the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability
I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the
more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as
long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if
you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that
leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows
what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be
So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it
doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict.
You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.
When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an
explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think
it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice
unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.
But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference.
And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that
you'll never have to change again.
-Ephram, Everwood, ep. 2.4, Oct. 6, '03
The protura, tiny critters related to insects, were the first to play
Ultimate Frisbee: their sperm are flat discs.
-Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson, p. 26
Grady Little, the Boston manager who seemed determined to leave Pedro
Martinez on the mound until he was like the Black Knight in Monty Python and
the Holy Grail, arm lying on the ground, blood spurting from the
- Bob Ford
"Now, of course, no math class is complete without a baseball example..."
- John San Giovanni at Microsoft's Professional Developer's Conference, '03
Grad student: Do we have time for this?
Prof: Do this and I'll sign your doctorates blindfolded.
Grad student: Blindfolded?
Prof: Blindfolded. Do not pass go, go directly to Ph.D
Joan: The devil imitates god?
Priest: In essence
Joan: Is he any good?
Priest: Very good, in fact in the Book of Revelations it tells us that when
the antichrist first appears, even the most godly may be fooled
Joan: Like when you first hear Dave Mathews and you think he's good, but he's not
-Joan of Arcadia, Nov. 14, '03
Others believe Nomar isn't even MVP in his own home, engaged as he is to
all-world soccer player Mia Hamm.
-Baseball writers made wrong choice, Toronto Star, Nov. 18, '03
You shouldn't be allowed to take winning for granted. Look, I'm a Sox fan --
we sit around asking each other questions like, "Would you sacrifice one of
your big toes for a World Series?"
So for all those ungrateful Yankee fans out there -- at least the few who can read -- put a sock in it. As one of my readers once wrote, rooting for that team is like rooting for the house in blackjack. With 26 grace periods in the bank, you should be walking around with one of those permanently dumb smiles on your face. You know how Michael Douglas looks now that he's got Catherine Zeta-Jones? That should be you. I don't want to hear another peep until the year 2053.
-on being a Yankees fan, Bill Simmons, ESPN
"I guess I hate the Yankees now."
-Curt Schilling, after agreeing to a trade to the Red Sox, Nov. 28, '03
One day after Thanksgiving, the Red Sox officially acquired Curt Schilling.
The trade happened six weeks after the defining Sox collapse for this
generation: Game 7, Yankee Stadium, the night of Grady's Boner.
(Please note: I'm calling it "Grady's Boner" because it sounds more dramatic
than "Game 7," less pretentious than "The Night Grady Blew The Biggest
Non-World Series Game In 52 Years," less wordy than "The Night Grady Hung
Pedro Out To Dry," and less offensive than "The Night Grady F***ed Up."
Besides, it's always enjoyable to hear the word "boner" used for baseball
purposes, isn't it? I thought so. Back to the column.)
Thanks to Grady, instead of "Take care of my wife," my Dad's final
words on his death bed will now be "Why didn't he take out Pedro?" Excellent.
Anyway, Grady will be missed ... by the 29 other teams. No, I'm not still
I'm a longtime member of SOSH, a den for diehards that weeds out weaker
members and has 250-post threads on subjects like "Does Casey Fossum's
delivery point seem different to you?" and "One Man's Thoughts on Nomar's
Last 500 At-Bats, In Order." These guys know more than me; I'll freely admit
it. During this past year in California, I clicked on SOSH twice a day for
breaking Sox news (if something happens, SOSH usually has a thread going
within about 1.23 seconds). Believe me, I'm not defending message boards --
they can be evil places, especially in the wrong hands -- but some of them
aren't that bad. And SOSH isn't that bad.
-Bill Simmons, ESPN, Dec. '03
"I really hate people who don't spend their lives talking about the Red Sox
on the Internet." -- DLew on Roids
"You win in this town, you're forever idolized"
-Message left by Bobby Orr, Stanley Cup winner with the Boston Bruins in '70
and '72, for Kevin Foulke, relief pitcher, to encourage him to sign with the
Boston Red Sox
Rory chose Yale, and Sherman-Palladino acknowledges that the choice was
initially made "out of necessity" to keep the lead characters close to one
another. "It was either there or Wesleyan, and Michael Bay went there," Sherman-Palladino says, making a sour face.
-Deep Down, 'Gilmore Girls' Remains Small Town, Zap2it, Apr. 23, '03
Writing a novel is like making love, but it's also like having a tooth
pulled. Pleasure and pain. Sometimes it's like making love while having a
[Clint Eastwood] came under studio pressure to shoot "Mystic River" in
Canada. "This story takes place in Boston," he said, "and Boston is not in
-Ebert - Movie Answer Man
vtsoxfan: [...]Also, would you be available as a consultant to my fantasy team?
Theo [Epstein, General Manager of the Boston Red Sox]: Based on my performance in our Red Sox office fantasy football, you probably don't want me as a consultant.
"Be careful on the T - don't tear that thing down!"
-Tom Brady, receiving Superbowl MVP trophy after the Patriots win the
Superbowl, Feb. 1, '04
Can anyone imagine a Yankee fan going by Yankee Stadium to see the trucks
off to Tampa?
Impossible. The Yanks equipment travels to Tampa in limos.
-Happy Truck Day, 2/16/04, SOSH
"Sally Hacker (1989) argues that eroticism and technology have common roots
in human sensual pleasure and that for the engineer or the skilled worker,
and probably for many other kinds of workers, there is a powerful erotic
element in work processes. The pleasures of technology, Hacker continues,
become harnessed to domination, and passion becomes directed toward power
over nature, the machine, and other people..."
-Acker 1990 citing Hacker's "Pleasure, Power and Technology"
I mean, if Dan Shaughnessy were writing for the "Physics Globe" in the
1930's, he'd be saying things like "Hey, it's just Einstein being Einstein.
The guy's a goofball, let's face it. He doesn't work hard at his job. He's
always off wandering around lost in thought with that goofy expression of
"What, me worry?" on his face. And what's up with the hair? Can't he just go
to a barber like everyone else? You can't have professors on the staff that
you have to worry about whether they're going to forget when their next class
is scheduled. If I were Princeton, I'd trade him for a box of chalk."
-Pumpsie, SOSH, discussing Shaunghnessy's coverage of Manny Ramirez
Baseball fans watching a game at SBC Park [nee PacBell Park, in San Francisco] will simultaneously be able to surf
the Web this season in what is believed to be the first roll-out of wireless
Internet service of its kind at a professional-sports stadium.... The Internet service reaches as far as fans standing in line outside the
park and those floating in boats in McCovey Cove.
-SBC Park turns into Wi-Fi hot spot this year (Contra Costa Times, Mar. 31, '04)
"If Elvis joined the Beatles, they'd would have sucked too"
-on Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) joining the Yankees
"Those who have experienced dismissal by the junior-high-school girls' clique could hardly, with a straight face, claim generosity and nurture as a natural attribute of women."
The Oprah show described with graphic detail a sexual term known as "tossing
salad." It was so offensive that my child's head literally exploded. Please
ban free speech so this never happens again.
-FCC Swamped With Oprah Indecency Complaints
Sox Shortstop Nomar Garciaparra will continue workouts on his injured
achilles tendon through the weekend. Is he really injured or merely sulking
like Achilles in his tent? Who know's, but just remember that when Achilles
returned to the Achaean lineup he went 4-4 with 6 RBI and slayed Hector Tamer
of Horses. Hopefully, Hector Carasco will pitch in Nomar's first game back.
-SOSH: 5/13 Sox vs. Toronto: Apres Victoire, Ballet!
[Lenny DiNardo's] major league debut came less than three years later, in
Yankee Stadium. "It was really fun, something I'm going to tell my grandkids
about," he said. "To be in the bullpen and hear them yell, `DiNardo, you
suck.' That's something I'm going to cherish. If you don't hear that, there's
-Boston Globe, May 16, '04
Top Ten Questions You're Afraid To Ask Condoleezza Rice:
6. Did you ever try the 'Condoleezza Rice' at Chi-Chi's?
1. What kind of job will you and Bush be looking for in January 2005?
-Letterman, Apr. 1, '04
Late Show Top Ten Cool Things About Pitching A Perfect Game:
3. Maybe people will finally forget about the time I killed that bird
Letterman, May 19, '04 (after Randy Johnson threw a perfect game)
But we're talking about Red Sox fans, who have been described in many
ways, but never as sensible.
If they had the common sense God gave asphalt, they'd find something else in which to invest their emotional energy every summer.
-Red Sox 'Curse will die this year
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I've Won A Gold Medal
1. "It's pretty clear who wears the pants in the faminly now, huh Nomar?"
They got the cocky little fans who primp, preen, and prance
All around in the streets like they know in advance
That they can win another series, do another little dance
Hey, I got your dynasty right here in my pants
-The Ballad of Yankees Suck by the Jimmy Men
It's like Bob Waddington from Silver Spring, Md., says of his beloved Philly:
"Think of it as America's largest small town. Think of the setting for the
movie 'All the Right Moves,' and just add really tall buildings and a
Page 2, Oct. 18, '04
"There are no excuses. They beat our ass, that's it.... We will be
back, and someone will pay."
-A-Rod on losing the ALCS to the Red Sox after being up 3-0
We are 15 outs away from the apocalypse. I hope everyone remembered to stock
up on bottled water and canned goods.
Well, this is it. I haven't heard any huge blasts of lightning and my power is still working, so I'm going to assume God has plans for a comeback here.
-Game Diary: ALCS Game 7 (2004)
The Red Sox can't bury more than eight decades of misery, failure and ghosts
and really sweep the World Series can they?
Perhaps not. But if you live in Boston, it's probably a good idea to keep
your car off the street tonight when the Sox go for the sweep in Game 4
against St. Louis.
-Jim Caple, ESPN
[Theo] Epstein was wearing a high V-neck gray wool sweater before Game 3 of the
World Series Tuesday night in St. Louis. It was another charm, the pullover
he wore during the final game of the Yankees series. When asked where he
bought it, he said: "At Banana Republic, but don't print that. Something like
that should never be in an article about baseball."
-A New-Age General Manager Helps End an Age-Old Curse, NY Times, Oct. 28, '04
I don't believe in curse, I believe you make your own destination.
-Manny Ramírez, 2004 World Series MVP
But for now, the pain in A-Rod's stomach beats like a bass drum in a small
room without furniture. Now that the Red Sox are World Champions, the pain
-Agony of Defeat
Haunts A-Rod, NY Post, Oct. 28, '04
Our Papi, Who art in Fenway
Hallowed by thy team.
Thou kicketh ass,
On Yankee grass,
And at home, as you did in the Bronx.
Give us this year our shiny rings,
And forgive us our talk of curses,
As we forgive those who talk of curses against us.
And lead us not into extra innings,
But deliver us from choking.
For thou art the Schilling,
And the Pedro,
And the D-Lowe,
For ever and ever.
Simply put, this is one of the three greatest events in U.S. history rivaled
only by the Emancipation Proclamation and Spiderman's first appearance
in Amazing Fantasy #15. From an international perspective, the importance of
Wednesday night's win slightly trails the Enlightenment but surpasses
the construction of the Pyramids and the Renaissance.
-Keys to the World Series
"Jeter is playing golf today. This is better."
-sign held by Manny Ramirez during post-2004 World Series "rolling rally" in Boston
"Dear God, thanks for listening, but if you don't mind me asking, what the
hell took so long? - Red Sox Nation"
-sign seen during 2004 World Series "rolling rally" in Boston
After a few days at Caro's research site [in Maasai Land, Kenya] we headed to
Nairobi to catch a Redsox game -- it was actually THE game. We saw the
redsox win the WORLD SERIES!!!!! on a screen tv at a restaurant in Nairobi.
The waitress had the audacity to ask if she could change the channel to the
news in the 7th inning. Of course we managed to disuade her but CAN YOU
IMAGINE? So, our trip was off to a great start. We were feeling pretty good
- friend's trip report, Oct. '04
I would like to fight a Bush supporter to vent my anger. If you are one,
have a fiery streek, please contact me so we can meet and physically fight.
I would like to beat the shit out of you.
-NY craigslist post, Nov. 3, '04
At that moment in St. Louis, Red Sox closer Keith Foulke, upon fielding a
ground ball, threw to first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz for the final out of
the World Series-and the first Red Sox world championship since 1918. And
then all hell didn't just break loose. It pretty much froze over.
-Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated, Dec. '04
If Roger Clemens was a bad breakup, if Mo Vaughn was a bad breakup, then
Pedro is a good breakup. Have you ever ended a relationship where you were
still in love, where there was warmth and good times, but it just
couldn't be sustained? Where fundamental differences in what each of you
wanted out of life and out of a partner made staying together simply
impractical? Jose has. And he was right to do it ... and so were the Red
Sox ... and so was Pedro.
Jose Melendez' Keys to the Winter Meetings (Dec. 13, '04)
Some people are just meant to suffer. That's why the Red Sox will never win
the world series.
- Said by Jack's father during flashback that took place in or before Sep. '04
Jack: That's why the Sox will never win the series
Sawyer: What's that?
Sawyer: What'd you just say?
Jack: I said: That's why the Red Sox will never win the series
Sawyer: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Jack: It's just something my father used to say. So he could go through life knowing people hated him. Instead of taking responsibility for it, he just put it on fate. Said he was made that way.
- present day, between Jack and Sawyer, shipwrecked on an island
- Lost, "Outlaws", ep. 16, Feb. 16, '05
Dr. James Wilson: The bone's too thin to support the kind of surgery that
would let him pitch again, but if we figure out what is causing the
ostropenia, we can reverse the bone damage...
Dr. House: ... and defeat the Yankees, and save the free world
So what's killing him? Who shares my suspicions that the Yankees are somehow involved?
When I was seven years old, my father took me to Fenway Park for the first
time, and as I grew up I knew that as a building it was on the level of Mount
Olympus, the Pyramid at Giza, the nation's Capitol, the Czar's Winter Palace,
and the Louvre - except, of course, that it was better than all those
- A. Bartlett Giammati
I never saw that knife. And I'd never be wear'n no Yankee rag. I was born in
Boston, man. I'd rather *take* a knife than wear an N-Y.
I'm not sure if I'd use the Red Sox defense in Dodger-town
- The Shield, "Slipknot", May 4, '04
another suggestion for 2005 Red Sox Opening Day events:
Tito must ride in from centerfield on a chariot towing a chained Tony LaRussa and Joe Torre behind him
-DLew On Roids, SOSH
This is my favorite website
- my niece, Abigail, age 2.5, about pbskids.org
Growing up, my baseball heroes were Micky Mantle, Billy Martin, even Babe
Ruth. They were drunks! They had to overcome their drug! Baseball has to
go back to its roots. Forget the performance enhancing substances, bring
back the performance hindering substances. If not for me, do it for... the
-Lewis Black, The Daily Show, Mar. 22, '05
"..and give that can the whole CSI treatment - you know, lab tests, weird
lights, shots from the can's point of view.... [flashes, camera flies into
can and we see Officer Wiggam through the opening] Yeah, that's it - lots of
flash, and no meaning."
- The Simpsons, Apr. 3, '05, "The Seven-Beer Snitch", #16.14
Zach Stephens: (looking at baseball card) Who's Curt Schilling, anyway?
Seth Cohen: I don't know. (taking card) Dude, I like his uniform, though. Can I have this one?
Zach Stephens: uh-huh
Seth Cohen: Thanks (puts Curt Schilling card in his pocket)
- The O.C, #2.18, Apr. 8, '05
5 Years later!
You're still a traitor
How's the ring fit?
- heckler in Camden Yards, April 17, '05
"I think they should suspend Sheffield for 20 games because he's good and
he's with the Yankees."
- Terry Francona in Boston Herald, Apr. 16, '05
-sign help up on Fri, Apr. 15, '05 in the area where an altercation occured
the previous night between Gary Sheffield and a fan
Whenever anyone uses the word classy to describe the Yankees, Jose has the
same reaction as when Donald Trump uses the word "classy."
"Oh, you must think classy means grotesquely expensive, horribly tacky and an
affront to decent people everywhere."
- Jose Melendez, Keys to the Game
Devil Ray. With a name like that, and colors like that, and
a stadium like
that, you have to have an inferiority complex.
-Robinson Checo, SOSH game thread, Apr. 24, '04
For years, you see, astrology was the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of the sciences -
not so good. But, with new, more powerful computers, astrology can show you
-The Simpsons, #16.15
"Still, there are a number of baseball teams that use sabremetrics to
determine who to pay."
"As a Dodger fan, I'm all too paintfully aware of that fact. But I'm also
aware that in a statistical model, the Red Sox never beat the Yankees."
"Ahh, there are exceptions to every rule"
"Yes, and aren't they glorious?"
Guy 1: Last year was a total aberration
Guy 2: Last year was the beginning of a dynasty, with a capital D!
Guy 1: Without Pedro? No way!
Guy 3: That's right, "Whose ... your, dad...deee?"
Guy 2: At least it's not Steinbrenner....
Guy 1: Big Unit, baby - world championship, back where it belongs. The Bronx
Guy 3: "Pedro ... is, a ... Met...."
- Law and Order, #15.24, May 18, '05, on 8:22 am to Grand Central Station before accident
I believe there's no business like show business, although if you're over-paid
for feeding a big, scary monster, then that might be sort of like it.
-Chuck Lorre Productions (Vanity Card) #3
And when Ortiz hit the long ball, his fifth walkoff homer as a Red Sox,
Francona said, "I almost felt like I was having my second fake heart
-Boston Globe, June 3, '05
I'm not uncomfortable around your gay male best friend. I like the gay
people. I like what they've done to Bravo.
-Before accepting a night out with me, please read... (best of craigslist
A sampling of the faxes received by Ron Santo and Pat Hughes in the [Cubs
WGN] booth during [the Aug. 12, '04] broadcast:
From Robin W, Oak Park
Hello Mr. Ron Santo
I noticed that Nomar has some mannerisms similar to my little brother's. He's
8. He has Tourette's Syndrome, but he doesn't swear like the other kids. Do
you know anything about this? Robbie is interested.
Thank you, great allstar
-"Cubs Nation" by Gene Wojciechowski, p. 293, 295
This book is dedicated to John and Doris Varley
My father, John E. Varley died on
January 13, 2005, at the age of 79,
in Big Spring, Texas.
He was a very good man who led a good life
- dedication of Mammoth by John Varley
and raised two good daughters, and me.
He hated the Notre Dame Fighting Irish,
the New York Yankees,
and the Texas A&M Aggies,
and loved most other Texas teams.
He lived to see the Red Sox humiliate the Yankees,
and a lot of people didn't.
All the concerts are of the world music category - so if you're looking for
WBRU-style "angry young men in ripped jeans with bad skin" stuff you'll need
to go elsewhere. Punk is dead and I have a job.
-Laura Zurowski in email about Friday Waterplace concerts
We interrupt this broadcast.to bring you a breaking news story. We apologize to Joan of Arcadia's sanctimonious, fear-based, and probably overweight viewers.
-Family Guy, #4.2
Using a calendar, they figured out the baby was conceived the night the
Red Sox won the World Series. "This was not a planned thing," she said.
"We used birth control but I just lost my focus after they won."
-Birth of a New Nation, Boston Globe, July 1, '05
The Providence Grays disbanded after the 1885 season. A minor league [team] by the same name played in Providence from 1891 to 1929; they once had a promising young pitcher named Babe Ruth. But our beloved capital has not been a "major league" city for over a century, at least in the baseball world.
-The Providence Grays
If Mark Twain were back today, he'd be at Comedy Central. I'm convinced of that
-Bill Moyer, The Daily Show, Jun. 22, '05
In the thirty years I've known Travis Bismarck, since my second day at
college, he has never driven himself if he could beg some poor fool into
driving him. I've often been the fool.
-Gaudeamus by John Barnes
in this future world education has continued to degrade, and we see adults
reading aloud from Fun With Dick and Jane, a book that on first reading I
found redundant and lacking in irony.
-Roger Ebert review of The Island, Jul. 22, '05
...she had an ass that you could see the future in...
That's great - you didn't happen to stick your head up far enough to see that the Yankees would lose four in a row to the Red Sox last fall, did you? No, didn't think so
Would have made lots of money if I did
-Rescue Me, #2.5
"It [Aug. 17, '05 come back victory, D-Rays over the Yankees] just shows the Yankees - with their history and with their payroll and with their All-Stars - they're not bulletproof," [Tampa Bay Devil Rays player Jonny] Gomes said. "In between the lines, there's no salaries and no world champions. It's nine-on-nine, plus your bullpen and bench. It just shows anyone can win."
"Lost" is the Boston Red Sox of television shows. It is at the same
time addictive, puzzling, infuriating, mysterious, exciting and better than
anything else available. Moreover, it features a group of strangers who
ostensibly share the same goals, yet are plagued by suspicion and backbiting.
-Jose Melendez's Keys to the Game, Sep. 28, '05
Heard of Burning Man? Burning man is for California new age wussies. Freezing
Man is the New England improvement of Burning Man - gather on the beach,
strip, then jump in the freezing-ass cold ocean - afterwards drink yourself
silly (or not). Spread the word. This is going to be huge!
-Evite I received
A: So, who's your favorite player?
B: Tell him.... be honest
A: It's Johnny Damon, isn't it?
C: He's so pretty
-Veronica Mars, #2.1
After five years, it's now time to tell the truth. For a century, the Yankees
had mystique. Now, they are just pathetique.
-Red Sox, Yankees: They're History (Washington Post, Oct. 12, '05)
Hmmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state, right now, Jeb Bush is
eating a live puppy
-Family Guy, #5.6
Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez bought an $7.5 million apartment earlier
this month at Trump Park Avenue. The 5,000-square-foot apartment includes
four bedrooms, six bathrooms and zero World Series rings.
-SI.com 10 Spot (Aug. 22, '05)
"My incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown"
- Family Guy, #5.5, "Brian Goes to College"
"Listen, I'll be out on the quad. Do you know what I discovered since I've
been at college? I'm so all about ultimate frisbee!"
- Family Guy, #5.5, "Brian Goes to College"
"UCLA, USC, NYU and my own University of Texas film schools all rejected me. I now refuse to hire any graduates of these programs"
-Rob Thomas, creator of Veronica Mars
"This was shot at USC... It was good to go back to USC ... where I didn't
graduate, and shoot something there, and say 'Hey man, I couldn't even afford
your tuition, and I had to drop out and look at me - I'm paying for your
school like it's a little pissy set.' I would go in and yell at the head of
the film school during shooting, and just go 'I am making something and I
didn't even pass your classes'."
-Judd Apatow, "Undeclared" (2001) DVD commentary, #106, "The Assistant"
"But, it was less entertaining that you might imagine, no matter what music
was put under it.... It was kind of funny to Yellow Submarine, but who could
-Arrested Development, #3.8
"Let me point out a few other things to avoid if you want to get some action
Valentine night. Stuffed animals - cute, but way too campy. Unless it is a
panda, and then you're saying 'baby, you're like an endangered species and I'll
never let you go extinct in my heart'. Write that down."
-Google Current Gel Candles
We lost to Canada? CANADA??
We need to go back to the old traditional style of World Series, wherein only
teams from the United States are permitted to play.
-Dave Barry, after the US lose to Canada in the first round of the 2006 World Baseball Classic
"C'mon, you [expletive], pinstriped turncoat," Americans shouted at their TV
screens. "For once -- just once -- in your soulless, empty life, get a hit in
the clutch you greedy, insincere, two-faced, overpaid fraud!"
-rooting for A-Rod to get the game winning hit for USA in the 2006 WBC vs. Japan., ESPN.com, p. 2
The Yankees could trade Gary Sheffield and still have a payroll greater than
those of Florida, Tampa Bay, Colorado, Pittsburgh, and Kansas City
-Average salary grows to nearly $3m" by Chris Snow, Boston Globe, Apr. 6, '06
What can we Americans learn from Candians?
Steve Nash: There is a huge book that we Canadians have that we haven't shared with you yet, so one of these days I'll let you have a sneak peak of it and you'll have the inside track.
-Pardon the Interruption, April 6, '06
Girl 1: I heard he lives with his mother
Girl 2: I heard he plays a trombone for fun
Freddy: He's a liar too. He says he's a Red Sox fan but he didn't even know
they traded [sic] Damon.
Luke: Really? He didn't know Damon was with the Yankees now?
Luke: You see Steinbrenner made him cut his hair?
Freddy: Yeah, he looks way less scary
Luke: Yeah, less intimidating to pitchers. It's going to shave 20 points off
his batting average.
-Gilmore Girls, April 11, '06, #6.18
Veronica, I think when you get out in the world a little more, you'll
discover that not all well dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay.
Many of them are just - Asian.
- Veronica Mars, Apr. '06
No joke, the title of my thesis was "Literary Progeria in the Works of
Flanner O'Connor and William Falkner". And then I became a professional ass
Conan O' Brien: It's gotta be very helpful with the ladies to have a gold medal
Shaun White: Well, things were good before
-Conan O'Brien, Jun. 16, '06
"Ma never went anywhere without her silver cross and her 2004 World Series
(pointing at her Red Sox hat) "Your mom's a baseball fan?"
"No, she's just an ex-Catholic who believes god speaks to us through the Red
"What's god trying to say?"
"Miracles happen. Believe in someone enough, and they'll surprise you"
-Nip / Tuck, "Sal Perri", #3.12, Dec. 6, '05
"[With Wagner playing in the background] I love the smell of pesticide in the
morning.... it smells like grant renewal"
-Eureka, "Purple Haze"
Ben: Your flight crashed on September 22nd, 2004. Today is November 29th. That
means you have been on our island for 69 days. And yes, we do have contact
with the outside world, Jack, that is how we know that during those 69 days
your fellow Americans re-elected George W. Bush, Christopher Reeve has passed
away, Boston Red Sox won the world series. [off Jack's laughing] What?
Jack: If you wanted me to believe this, you probably should have picked
someone else besides the Red Sox.
Ben: [a little annoyed now] No, they were down three games to none against the Yankees in the league championship, and then they won eight straight.
Jack: Sure, sure, of course they did [laughing
(Ben hits a button on the remote, and the replay of the last out of the 2004
World Series starts playing on the TV)
Ben: That's home Jack. Right there, on the other side of the glass...
- Lost, "The Glass Ballerina", #3.2, Oct. 11, '06
I'm relieved that he's reached across the aisle to fight global warming. I'm
delighted that he's worked to increase the minimum wage, reduce the cost of
pharmaceutical drugs, improve the infrastructure, and bring accountability to
the school system. My problem, and let me state for the record that it's my
problem, not his, is simply this: Whenever I hear the governor of California
speak I find myself nervously looking around for a train that will take me to
- first seen Nov. 13, '06, "Two and a Half Men"
Homer: "Well, excuse **me** for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!"
-"Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)", The Simpsons
If only we'd known that iPods would unite and overthrow the very humans
-"Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)", The Simpsons
"There are too many forensics shows on TV"
- Gil Grissom (William L. Petersen), CSI (#6.7, "I Like To Watch", Mar. 9, '06)
"I don't have a problem with gay people... I'm only angry with the ones who
turn me on."
-Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
"It's not lacking any meat, and that's what real women need."
-woman in Quiznos TV ad, about a type of sandwich
ADA Serena Southerlyn: Closer than you thought, Jack?
Exec ADA Jack McCoy: More like the Yankees and the Red Sox. It's inevitable the Red Sox won't be there when it counts, but they still have to play all the games.
- Law & Order, #15.1, "Paradigm", broadcast Sep. 22, '04, about a month before the Red Sox were there when it counted, coming back from being down 3-0 to beat the Yankees 4-3 in the 2007 ALCS
I remember in eighth grade some kid asked how long you could entertain an impure thought before it got upgraded from a venial to a mortal sin. "There aren't rules for things like that," the sister explained, "but I'd say that after five seconds, you're asking for it." The kid and his buddy went down to his basement to study his dad's collection of Playboys, and he got a stopwatch and had his buddy punch him in the arm every four seconds.
-Roger Ebert review of Superbad (2007)
The sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex.
-Stephen Colbert, New York Times, Oct. 14, '07
Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
- "Thou Shalt Not Kill" by Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls pants. Use it to get into their heads.
- "Thou Shalt Not Kill" by Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
Our enormously productive economy demands that we make consumption our way
of life, that we convert the buying and use of goods into rituals, that we
seek our spiritual satisfaction, our ego satisfaction, in consumption.
The measure of social status, of social acceptance, of prestige, is now to be
found in our consumption patterns. The very meaning and significance of our
lives is today expressed in consumptive terms. The greater the pressures
upon the individual to conform to safe and accepted social standards, the
more does he tend to express his aspirations and his individuality in terms
of what he wears, drives, eats - his home, his car, his patterns of food
serving, his hobbies.
These commodities and services must be offeed to the consumer with a special
urgency. We requie not only "forced draft" consumption, but "expensive"
consumption as well. We need things consumed, burned up, worn out, replaced,
and discarded at an ever increasing pace.
- Victor Lebow, The Journal of Retailing, Spring 1955, p. 7
I work in an industry where people talk like hippies and act like the Sicilian mob
- Lauren Graham as Lisa Lundquist on the movie industry, Law & Order, "Showtime", #7.17, Mar. 27, '97
"Well, I really think that he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all; it shows that, in this great country, anybody can become president."
-Rep. Charles B. Rangel (D-NY) on President George W. Bush, Apr. '05
"Should I compare ye to my Harley Hog? You are more lovely and powerful, too"
-Northern Exposure, #2.6, "War and Peace"
"In the Air Tonight" stands alone as Phil Collins' sole flirtation with being
-6 Famous Songs That Don't Mean What You Think
"Real winners finish in under two minutes"
- plastered across a t-shirt, photographed at the 2009 Kentucky Derby
Well, sex is like a velociraptor: despite your movie-fueled lifelong neurotic
obsession, unlikely to be found in your house.
Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil,
we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for
Are there any Ukulele references in the sacred texts?
In the Insane Krusty episode of The Simpsons first broadcast on12 Nov 2000,
-The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain FAQ's
"People who get up early in the morning cause war, death and famine."
"Roxy Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award. I [am] going to have
to insist on some respect from your guinea pig. Thank you very much."
- acceptance speech, Oscar, Best Adapted Screenplay, '11, Aaron Sorkin